I Thought I Could Do This

Right after Prince Charming was killed, I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, and wish the world would go away.  But . . . I had to work to keep a roof over my head, keep the dogs fed, keep the dogs healthy, keep paying the bills and keep up appearances that I was “okay” . . . even if I wasn’t.

The one year anniversary came around and, once again, I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers and wish the world would go away.  But I took a day off instead and did stuff that wouldn’t remind me of him or have me constantly remember the date (I wrote the the date a lot at my old job at the mental health place).  I had to keep up appearances that I was “okay” . . . even if I wasn’t.

The two year anniversary came around and, even though I wanted badly to wish the world away again, I had started a new job just shy of two weeks before the anniversary.  I couldn’t tell my new boss that I needed a day off to stay home with my head under the covers wishing the world away.  My co-worker was facing the loss of her father that particular week and I was “holding down the fort” and keeping up appearances that I was “okay” . . . and thinking that maybe I just might be okay.

Sometime after the two year anniversary I realized that the three year anniversary would be a bigger challenge . . . because the country would be celebrating a new president.  The anniversary date of Prince Charming’s death happens to be Inauguration Day.  Every four years the country will be having a big party on a day that broke my heart.

Over the past few weeks, here are some of the things I’ve heard . . .
On January 20, we will hit the ground running and . . .
When President Obama leaves office on January 20 . . .
Mrs. Trump will not be moving into the White House on January 20 . . .
When Mr. Trump takes office on January 20 . . .
Join us for coverage of the Inauguration on January 20 . . .
When the sentence running through my brain is . . .
Prince Charming, 51, of Springfield, Ohio, left us unexpectedly, Monday, January 20, 2014.
Yup.  You guessed it.  I want to stay in bed, under the covers, and wish the world would go away.  But I can’t.  I have to do my best to show that I’m “okay” . . .
Even when I’m not . . . and I’d really rather not play that game this year . . .

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Let’s Put On Big Girl Panties

I have a sensitivity to pictures of car crashes.  I think that it’s horrible that news websites post these kinds of pictures on their websites and their social media sites.  I’m very vocal about how difficult these pictures are for family members and loved ones of the victims to see.  I’m forever asking some news site or another to consider the feelings of those near and dear to the victims and to take down the picture.  Sadly they never do.

My comments often start interesting discussions with others about how they agree that the pictures are hurtful and serve no purpose.  There are discussions with others who think that I’m too sensitive and should just “not look” at the pictures.

Today was one of those days.  There was a fatal accident in the little town where Prince Charming and I grew up.  The local newspaper posted a picture of the car involved but said they wouldn’t identify the victims pending “notification of the next of kin.”

I posted my usual comment requesting that the picture be taken down.  I explained about Prince Charming’s accident and explained how thankful that the local news agencies where he died did not publish any pictures of his accident.  I asked that these grieving families be given the same consideration.

Let’s just say a discussion ensued . . . some people agreed with me . . . some people did not.  One young lady commented suggested that I “put on big girl panties” . . .

Oh honey you do not want to go down that path with me.  Not after I’ve suffered through the third Christmas without Prince Charming by my side.  Not when the anniversary of Prince Charming’s death is a mere two weeks away.  Oh hell to the no . . .

I wanted to say all of the things that you will read next but I remembered something I read about not arguing with idiots because they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. This is what I wanted to say but didn’t because the person in question is very young, has no life experience, and has no idea what she’s talking about . . .

Dear Young Lady . . .

I put on big girl panties . . . when two troopers came to where I work and told me that the man I loved more than anything else in this world (and had loved for almost 40 years) was dead.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to tell his son, his brother, and his mother that he had been killed.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to try to explain to our two dogs why Daddy wasn’t ever coming home again.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to make arrangements for his funeral . . . and I had no idea what type of service he wanted.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I dealt with the vile, evil, hurtful things that his ex-wife and her daughter thought I “needed to know” about the “perfect man” that had been dead less than 24 hours.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I stood next to his closed casket for three hours while the seemingly never ending line of mourners told me how sorry they were for my loss, how wonderful he had been to them, how sad they were that they would never hear his laugh or see his smile again

I put on big girl panties . . . when I stood at the side of his grave and realized I had to let them put his body in the cold ground.  And I had to walk away and start a new life without him.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I dealt with OSHA, a wrongful death claim, a criminal case against the man that killed him, and settling his estate . . . all at the same time.

I put on big girl panties . . . every day single day that I have to live without him.

In the big scheme of things, a picture on a website probably isn’t that big of a deal.  But to a grieving person it is a huge deal.  It’s a reminder of what you’ve lost.  It’s a reminder of how much your life changed, through no fault of your own, in the blink of an eye.

And, sadly, there are more than a few people who don’t understand that.  They won’t understand that until they go through it themselves.  And we, the grieving, pray daily that nobody ever has to join this club that no one wants to be a part of.

 

 

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Random Thoughts

Why does Millie always have to be on a hill when she poos during our walks in the morning?  Makes cleaning up after her a rather delicate balancing act for me.

Dear Neighbor . . . a private alley is just that . . . an alley that people drive down to get from one end of the block to the other.  It’s not a driveway where you can park your car.  I am always amused when I see someone drive through your yard because you are blocking the alley.  And speaking of parking your car in the alley . . . do you have to block the sidewalk?

Millie always races to the end of the privacy fence we pass every day because she’s expecting someone/something to be waiting for her around the corner.

Sometimes I have to go past the house where the lady hollered at Rocky for peeing on her half dead flowers . . . even though it’s cold and winter and the flowers are all dead now, I still have to drag Rocky away from the flower bed because I don’t want her hollering at him again.

Today was trash day . . . the most favorite day of the week for a walk for Millie and Rocky.  They have to stop and smell just about every trash can.  We don’t make much progress on trash day.

I’m off work this week for Christmas break and the dogs are very happy to have me home.  I’m happy to be home with them.  I don’t know who will be sadder when I have to go back to work next week – me or them.

I have had three lunch dates this week.  I had no idea I was so popular!

I had sushi today for lunch.  That noise you hear is Prince Charming laughing because he tried so hard to get me to eat sushi and I always refused.

 

 

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No They Aren’t Spoiled

Y’all know that Rocky and Millie are my life . . .

Even though they were officially XH’s dogs and I was totally against getting them in the first place, I specifically asked for them as part of the divorce settlement . . .

After the divorce, they were there to keep me company and keep me from completely freaking out about living alone for the first time in my life . . .

After I broke my arm, they were always close by to make sure that I wasn’t over doing it and were happy to take naps whenever Mommy needed.

After Prince Charming died, they were the reason I got up out of bed in the morning.  They had to eat, they had to go potty, they needed to go for walks . . . they were always close by to give me doggie hugs and kisses when I didn’t think I could stand my grief for another minute.

I’d be lost without them . . . and I tend to go overboard a bit at Christmas . . .

On Black Friday, the big box Pet Store had a sale and they had doggie beds for half off.  Doggie beds for big doggies are pricey and a half off sale is always a great thing.  So I bought two beds . . . and since I can’t really hide two great big dog beds in The Little House Rocky and Millie got early Christmas presents.  And they LOVED the new doggie beds.

The doggie beds were upstairs in the bedroom . . . and they happily snuggled into them and slept soundly every night.  But in the morning, before I left for work, Rocky would give me his sad pitiful eyes that his snuggly bed wasn’t downstairs for him to guard the house.  So, like the sucker I am, I brought one of the beds downstairs for him during the day.  And then I would drag it back upstairs at bedtime each night.

That got old quick.  That bed is huge and awkward to carry.  The stairs are a bit narrow and steep.  It’s always entertaining to watch me drag that thing up and down the stairs . . . especially if Millie wants to help.  So I got the bright idea to buy two more beds for downstairs . . . but only if they were still on sale.  The big box Pet Store had a Christmas Week sale . . . and the beds were on sale again!!

So tonight I drove to the big box Pet Store that’s 20 minutes away (the local store didn’t have the beds in stock) in the dark and in the rain (I don’t see well in the dark and in the rain and driving is a bit of challenge) to pick up the beds for downstairs.  Yes, I have four beds . . for two dogs . . . so they can be just as comfortable when we are binge watching something on Netflix as they are when we are sleeping.

No, they aren’t spoiled at all . . .

 

 

 

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Well That Didn’t Go As Planned

I really do have good intentions when I do the Post A Day thing.  But life happens.

Going on vacation in October is not a good thing when you work at a school.  Especially when your co-worker goes on a two week vacation after you get back.  It took me until just before Thanksgiving week to get caught up on stuff.  Only to be behind again because of Thanksgiving break.

I’m tired of the election stuff.

I’m excited about the 0-16 Parade that is supposed to happen in Cleveland if the Browns really do go all season without a win.

I’m excited about Christmas . . . shopping, decorating, watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (even though I’m going to cry through the whole thing).

I’m planning my 2017 vacation . . . I’m going to Florida . . . again.  I thought about going to Myrtle Beach but the hotel where Prince Charming and I stayed got bought out last year and the parent company isn’t offering the same deals as before.  The discount is better but only for certain dates.  Ugh.

I guess I have no motivation to write . . . I’m too busy doing life.

 

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Election Burn Out

I’m tired of hearing about how the world is going to end because Hillary didn’t get her way and Trump will be the next President.

I’m tired of scrolling through my social media feeds and biting my tongue when I want to scream at the silliness and hatefulness that I’m seeing people I thought were respectable and reasonable human beings post as truth and facts.

I’ve voted for candidates that lost before.  I understand the confusion and the disappointment.  I don’t understand what’s going on here.

College classes being cancelled.  Children walking out of their high school classrooms because they want to “protest” the election results.  College professors ordering pizza and postponing exams because students “can’t deal” with this kind of disappointment.  People who voted for Hillary are rioting and destroying the towns they live in . . . towns that supported Hillary . . . they’re destroying their own towns, they’re protesting against fellow Hillary supporters.

Is it just me or is it pretty ironic that the people protesting are doing exactly the things that they were afraid the Trump supporters were going to do if Hillary won?  Is it bad form to point that out to people?

Instead of dealing with all of that right now, I’m watching “The Crown” on Netflix and working on my cross stitch.

The “post a day” posts will continue . . . . and they will have nothing to do with any of this.  I’m done with this election stuff this year.  This is too crazy to be believed.

Love and hugs.

 

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January 20, 2017

Is the third anniversary of the day Prince Charming left this Earth.

I’m doing better than I was a year ago looking at the second anniversary . . . certainly better than I was two years ago looking at the first anniversary.

This year the date has another meaning . . .

It’s the day Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States.

At some point I knew that this would happen . . . that the country will be celebrating a new beginning while I’m remembering the ending of something beautiful.

Now that the election is over, everyone is talking about Inauguration Day.

I’m not sure I’m ready to hear the date said aloud or ready to read the date in print.

I know that I’ve got this . . . but dang I’m not ready for this . . .

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