Category Archives: Prince Charming

Enough

“I got enough, I got enough. It was enough time to know that I loved him. I loved him. And I know that he loved me.” ~Randall Pearson

 

I’m watching re-runs of “This Is Us” on Hulu . . . and I find it funny that I cry as hard the second/third time I watch an episode as I did the first time . . .

 

Randall said the above line after William died . . . and it broke my heart because I knew exactly what he meant . . .

 

Because it’s been in my heart for the last 4 years, 4 months and 1 day . . .

 

Not that I’m counting or anything . . .

 

 

 

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Angels Watching Over Me

It’s been a bit of a rough weekend here . . . my position at the lovely local Catholic School has been eliminated because of low enrollment . . . we don’t have enough kids enrolled for next year to generate the income needed to support the current amount of staff and faculty.  I found out on Friday that my services were no longer needed . . . and Friday was my last day.  I cleaned out my office and started a second round of semi-retirement.

To say that I’m a hot damn mess is an understatement.  I received a generous severance package that includes my two weeks of vacation pay but I haven’t been “let go” from a job in over 30 years and have all kinds of worst case scenarios playing in my head.  Yes, it’s scary and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but it’s okay . . . I know that I’ve got this and can face the new challenges ahead of me. Heck, I faced my worst nightmare and am still standing and I’m pretty sure I can face this.  After all, there’s Rocky and Millie and their undying devotion and dedication to making me smile. I’ve seen several beautiful bright red cardinals in the back yard which is a sign that my guardian angels aren’t far away.

Like I said, I’m a hot damn mess but have managed to keep it together . . . when the boss told me that I was being let go . . . when I opened the front door and saw Rocky’s happy face and started to panic that I had no idea how I was going to support us . . . when I saw the sadness in my Mom’s face as I told her and I saw the sadness in her face when she realized that the job I loved was gone.

But the thing that finally broke me . . . was my silly Echo Dot.  Today, Amazon released a new skill – Christmas Sounds – and I had to try it out.  Because I’m a total dork when it comes to Alexa and all the cool things she can do.  I asked Alexa to play Christmas sounds and since I haven’t enabled the correct skill, Alexa has no idea what I’m talking about . . . so she plays Christmas songs from Amazon Music . . . and the song she chooses to play for me is none other than “O Holy Night” by Bing Crosby.

Yes . . . a Christmas song by Bing Crosby is what reduced me to a puddle of tears . . . because “O Holy Night” was THE song that the junior high choir that Prince Charming and I were in back in the day sang EVERY CHRISTMAS.  We started practicing it when school started in August and sang it practically every day until Christmas.  For three years.  I know every word.  I can still sing my alto part perfectly . . . and this song is the one thing that Prince Charming and I had in common all the years we were apart.  I thought of him and could remember hearing his beautiful bass voice singing his part . . . and he thought of me and could remember hearing my (according to him) lovely alto voice.  When we got back together that first Christmas, it was a joy to be able to sing the song together again every time it was on the radio.  And Bing Crosby was one of Prince Charming’s favorite singers of Christmas songs  . . . to hear our song sung by his favorite singer at a totally random moment in April was a sign that I’m not alone.  He’s watching me and telling me that I can do this . . . I can face this and I’ll be just fine.

Even when I’m not all that convinced of it myself just yet . . .

 

 

 

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#singlegirllife

Over the past four years, I’ve learned to adapt to the #singlegirllife . . . but since I didn’t really have a choice or a say in the matter I jumped in with both feet and hoped for the best.

I discovered the joy of not having a routine for household chores.  If I want to change up the grocery day, it didn’t upset anyone . . . except when I ran out of dog treats for Rocky and Millie.  If I want to do laundry at 7 am on a Sunday (yea, it’s happened), then I can without fear of waking anyone up.

If I want to go to The Big City on a Saturday morning and visit the local needlework shop, I can do that . . . as long as I don’t stay gone too long and make it home in time to give supper to the puppies.

I discovered the joy of choosing whatever I wanted for supper.  If I wanted to eat Cap’n Crunch over the sink with a glass of chocolate milk for supper . . . that’s what I had.  If I wanted to grab tacos from Taco Bell on the way home from work because it’s cheaper than cooking them myself . . . I headed to the drive-thru.  If I wanted to eat spaghetti four days in a row . . . I ate spaghetti four days in a row.

I learned that I can do the yard work myself . . . even though I don’t really enjoy it.

I learned that I can handle making decisions about home improvement or home repairs relatively intelligently . . . even though the entire process brings out massive amounts of anxiety and triggers a horrible panic attack.

I bought a car.  I bought a washer.  I bought a computer.  I bought furniture.  All things I’ve never done before and had no idea the amount of detail and research involved in such purchases.

I’ve learned that I can stand on my own two feet.  I haven’t lost the house.  The utilities haven’t been turned off.  I haven’t killed the dogs.  I’m not broke.  All things XH predicted would happen within six months after the divorce . . . and it’s been 7 years . . .

But there is one thing that I am struggling with.  Something so small and insignificant that it makes me laugh that I’m having a problem with it.  The #singlegirllife means that you are the one that takes care of you when you’re sick.  I have the flu.  I very mild case with some general muscle and joint aches, some severe tiredness, and a stupid headache that won’t go away.  I’m feel like poop . . . and I’m cranky . . . and I want someone to bring me soup, bring me tea, snuggle on the couch with me while I nap . . . and there isn’t anyone here to do that.  Sure, Rocky and Millie do their best but without opposable thumbs, they pretty much suck in the food prep department . . .

Yea, there are some other really bad drawbacks to this #singlegirllife . . . but today this is the one that’s really pissing me off . . .

And, yes, I’ve said more than once to no one in particular but directed at Prince Charming . . . I really hate your ass right now . . .

 

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Longest Week EVER

Today was my first full week at work since December 19 . . . with Christmas break, the MLK holiday and snow days caused by the horrible weather we had early this month I’ve only worked two or three days a week for almost a month.  It was heavenly.  Until this week . . . no holiday, no snow days, and the anniversary of Prince Charming’s death all conspired to make this a long awful week for me . . . I am thankful that it’s over . . .

But there are things that made my heart happy this week . . ..

I figured out the 5k races I’ll be doing this year . . .

I finalized my vacation schedule for this year . . . three cross stitch retreats and a trip to Florida . . .

Rocky seems to be responding well to the meds for his arthritis.  His “slow getting up in the morning” turned into a significant limp and I took him to visit Lovely Vet to have it checked out.  Turns out the limp was a sprain of some sort and the “slow getting up in the morning” is probably arthritis . . . “he is getting older, you know” is how Lovely Vet described it to me.

The school where I work is installing new playground equipment for the little kids (k-2) that moved into our building earlier this year.  I’ve gotten to watch the workers install the equipment with great delight . . . I’m going to swing on the swings and go down the slide this summer during my lunch hour!!  Today’s highlight was watching a bobcat expert move a huge pile of mulch from the staging area to the playground area.  It was fascinating!

So now I’m headed to the couch with my dessert of choice to watch “Friday Night Frasier” on Netflix . . .

Even during the darkest weeks, life is good . . .

 

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So Much For Flying Under The Radar

January 20 is a sucky day for me . . . it’s the anniversary of the day that Prince Charming left this Earth.  I probably shouldn’t focus/obsess over the date but I can’t help it.  It’s the day my life changed forever . . . through no fault of my own and not necessarily in a good way . . .

Last year about Christmas time I realized that January 20 was also Inauguration Day.  The day we got a new president.  A day full of all the pomp and circumstance and ceremony . . . stuff that I normally love.  Yes, I’m a patriotic geek.  I live for this kind of stuff . . . and suddenly I realized that one of my favorite events was going to be happening on my most un-favorite day.

Shitdamnhellfuck . . .

So I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it.  I was able, somehow, to separate the two events and keep them separate . . . as long as I forgot that the date was January 20 . . . it wasn’t easy but I did it.

I got through that day . . . like I’ve gotten through a bunch of other terrible, awful, horrible, very bad days (bonus points if you get the reference in that sentence).  By putting one foot in front of the other.

I was home today because the school I work for is closed for the Martin Luther King holiday (another day that kinda sucks for me because the day Prince Charming left was also Martin Luther King Day) . . . and I heard something that took my breath away . . . something I was totally not expecting or prepared for . . .

“January 20 is the one year anniversary of President Donald Trump’s inauguration.”  Said by one of the hosts of CBS This Morning . . .

Shitdamnhellfuck . . .

Just when I thought that I was going to be able to have that day fly under the radar . . . I got Gibbs slapped (bonus points if you get THAT reference) up side my head . . .

The next few days are gonna suck . . .

On a positive note . . . I’ve also learned that Saturday, January 20 the Cincinnati Zoo is having a first birthday party for media darling Fiona . . . for my favorite hippo . . .

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November 6

Today is Monday . . . I hate Mondays . . .

Especially the Monday after the Fall Time Change . . . the kids at school seem to have more energy and are a little more irritating . . .

It gets dark early . . . the security lights on the garage came on tonight at 5:30 . . . it’s dark enough for security lights at 5:30 pm . . . makes for a very long night . . .

I went to dinner like I always do on Monday night.  Tonight’s dinner choice was a restaurant that is offering me free bagels every day this month.  I feel guilty if I go in just for the free bagel so I bought dinner there tonight.  The soup and salad combo I usually get is very yummy . . . and since it’s on the chilly side here the warm soup was comforting.

All in all, it was an irritating Monday but not a Bad Monday . . .

Then the server behind the counter called the name for the next customer to pick up their order.  The name they called out was the same name as Prince Charming’s name.  My heart skipped a beat and I did a double take to see who would answer to that name.  The guy didn’t look anything like Prince Charming . . . but I did give him a warm smile because he caught me staring at him.

Big Sigh . . . back to my yummy soup and sandwich . . .

I must be making progress because instead of focusing on unexpectedly hearing Prince Charming’s name tugging on my heart strings, I’m excited about the 99 cent cookie and the free bagel

Any Monday with a free bagel can’t be all bad . . .

 

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Hachiko

Hachiko, was an Akita dog that belonged to a professor at the University of Tokyo. Every day he would meet his master at Shibuya Station until one day in 1925 when the professor never returned. Unbeknownst to Hachiko, his master had suffered a fatal brain hemorrhage and would never come home again.

Over the years, I’ve heard the story of Hachiko and thought it was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.  The poor dog never understood why his human never returned . . . and spent his life waiting for him . . .

After Prince Charming died, I saw a real life example of the devotion that Hachiko showed for his human . . . Rocky never understood why Prince Charming never came home.  He sat at the door that first night waiting for the car to pull up in front of the house and Prince Charming to come and “rassle” with him.  When I finally went to bed that night, Rocky sat at the top of the stairs sure that Prince Charming would be home shortly and he didn’t want to miss him.  It shattered my already broken my heart.

It went on for a many weeks after the funeral, Rocky would walk through the house wondering where Prince Charming could be.  He’d sit at the front door, or outside at the gate, waiting for the car to pull up in front of the house.  He’d sit at the top of the stairs every night and rush down them first thing in the morning expecting to find Prince Charming at his seat at the kitchen table.  Every time it happened it shattered my already broken heart.

After a while, Rocky’s vigils got fewer and farther between.  I would find him occasionally sitting at the gate or at the front door just looking at nothing in particular.  Or sitting at the top of the stairs when I would say good night to him and tell him I’m going to bed.  Each time it happened it shattered my broken but somewhat healing heart . . .

Fast forward to this weekend . . . for some reason Rocky has started his vigil again.  And it’s breaking my broken but somewhat healing heart.

I guess I’ve gotten used to the hole in my heart and my life from where Prince Charming should be.  It’s usually when someone else tells me how much they miss him and the big hole in their heart and life his death has left that I totally fall to pieces.  But when Prince Charming’s beloved Rock Lobster (his nickname for Rocky) shows me that he misses Prince Charming, too, it turns me into a puddle of snot.  And I can’t really do that because it upsets Millie to see me cry so much . . . it’s just a damn vicious circle.

I think the people who told me that this gets easier over time lied to me.  This shit never gets any easier because it jumps out of left field and strangles the shit out of you.

 

 

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