Category Archives: grief

Let’s Put On Big Girl Panties

I have a sensitivity to pictures of car crashes.  I think that it’s horrible that news websites post these kinds of pictures on their websites and their social media sites.  I’m very vocal about how difficult these pictures are for family members and loved ones of the victims to see.  I’m forever asking some news site or another to consider the feelings of those near and dear to the victims and to take down the picture.  Sadly they never do.

My comments often start interesting discussions with others about how they agree that the pictures are hurtful and serve no purpose.  There are discussions with others who think that I’m too sensitive and should just “not look” at the pictures.

Today was one of those days.  There was a fatal accident in the little town where Prince Charming and I grew up.  The local newspaper posted a picture of the car involved but said they wouldn’t identify the victims pending “notification of the next of kin.”

I posted my usual comment requesting that the picture be taken down.  I explained about Prince Charming’s accident and explained how thankful that the local news agencies where he died did not publish any pictures of his accident.  I asked that these grieving families be given the same consideration.

Let’s just say a discussion ensued . . . some people agreed with me . . . some people did not.  One young lady commented suggested that I “put on big girl panties” . . .

Oh honey you do not want to go down that path with me.  Not after I’ve suffered through the third Christmas without Prince Charming by my side.  Not when the anniversary of Prince Charming’s death is a mere two weeks away.  Oh hell to the no . . .

I wanted to say all of the things that you will read next but I remembered something I read about not arguing with idiots because they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. This is what I wanted to say but didn’t because the person in question is very young, has no life experience, and has no idea what she’s talking about . . .

Dear Young Lady . . .

I put on big girl panties . . . when two troopers came to where I work and told me that the man I loved more than anything else in this world (and had loved for almost 40 years) was dead.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to tell his son, his brother, and his mother that he had been killed.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to try to explain to our two dogs why Daddy wasn’t ever coming home again.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I had to make arrangements for his funeral . . . and I had no idea what type of service he wanted.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I dealt with the vile, evil, hurtful things that his ex-wife and her daughter thought I “needed to know” about the “perfect man” that had been dead less than 24 hours.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I stood next to his closed casket for three hours while the seemingly never ending line of mourners told me how sorry they were for my loss, how wonderful he had been to them, how sad they were that they would never hear his laugh or see his smile again

I put on big girl panties . . . when I stood at the side of his grave and realized I had to let them put his body in the cold ground.  And I had to walk away and start a new life without him.

I put on big girl panties . . . when I dealt with OSHA, a wrongful death claim, a criminal case against the man that killed him, and settling his estate . . . all at the same time.

I put on big girl panties . . . every day single day that I have to live without him.

In the big scheme of things, a picture on a website probably isn’t that big of a deal.  But to a grieving person it is a huge deal.  It’s a reminder of what you’ve lost.  It’s a reminder of how much your life changed, through no fault of your own, in the blink of an eye.

And, sadly, there are more than a few people who don’t understand that.  They won’t understand that until they go through it themselves.  And we, the grieving, pray daily that nobody ever has to join this club that no one wants to be a part of.

 

 

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January 20, 2017

Is the third anniversary of the day Prince Charming left this Earth.

I’m doing better than I was a year ago looking at the second anniversary . . . certainly better than I was two years ago looking at the first anniversary.

This year the date has another meaning . . .

It’s the day Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States.

At some point I knew that this would happen . . . that the country will be celebrating a new beginning while I’m remembering the ending of something beautiful.

Now that the election is over, everyone is talking about Inauguration Day.

I’m not sure I’m ready to hear the date said aloud or ready to read the date in print.

I know that I’ve got this . . . but dang I’m not ready for this . . .

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Fall Back

I love fall.  I love the cooler temperatures.  I love watching the leaves change color.  I love Halloween.  I love Thanksgiving.

I don’t like the time change.  I don’t like that it’s dark when I go to work and when I get off work at night (okay, not now that I work at a school but every other job I ever had it was dark when I went home).  I don’t like that the dogs can’t comprehend the concept and their schedules (and mine) are off until they adjust.

The part about it getting dark earlier is what makes being alone so hard.  During the spring and the summer, I’m outside doing things a lot later and I don’t notice it as much.  During the fall and the winter, I’m inside earlier and it seems like the evenings drag on forever.  Yes, I have more time to work on my stitching or catching up on my reading or the TV shows I like . . . but it’s times like that when Prince Charming’s absence is (for lack of a better word) painful . . . We snuggled on the couch and watched TV.  He asked me questions about the cross stitch project I was working on.  We cooked dinner together and did the dishes together . . . now all stuff I do by myself now . . .

How many days until spring?

 

 

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Deja Freaking Vu

Today is Father’s Day . . .

My first Father’s Day without my Dad . . .

My third Father’s Day without Prince Charming . . .

For the first time in my life, I have no reason to celebrate today.  No one to buy a card for.  No one to buy presents for.   I sent a donation to Hospice in Dad’s name but it’s not the same as shopping for a present for him.

I stopped by the Big City Cemetery yesterday and left a USMC challenge coin for Dad.  I went to the Little Town Cemetery and had a beer with Prince Charming . . . and a Coke with Prince Charming’s Dad.

I went to dinner today with Older Sister, Her Hubby, and Mom to Dad’s favorite restaurant.  Older Sister and I had Meatloaf . . . and we all had Bread Pudding . . . in honor of Dad.

It wasn’t the same.  For the first time in many years I wasn’t making a meatloaf or bread pudding for Dad . . .

Fifteen years ago, I watched as then-Hubby struggled with what to do on the first Father’s Day after his Dad passed away.  I told him how sorry I was that he didn’t get to share that day with his Dad anymore and he could do whatever he wanted on that day to honor his Dad.  He decided to go fishing because that’s what they always did.  I had no idea how to help him with his pain.

Four years ago, I watched as Prince Charming struggled with his feelings on the First Father’s Day after his Dad passed away.  Again, I told him how sorry I was that he didn’t get to share that day with his Dad and told him he could do whatever he wanted that day to honor his Dad.  He decided to go with me to visit my Dad because his Dad taught him that family was the most important thing.  I was deeply touched by the gesture but still had no idea how to help him with his pain.

Here I am today, a little more than two years after we got the news that the “end was near” for Dad and his fight with kidney disease . . . and after having two “extra” Father’s Day’s with Dad . . . and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do today.  I did some yard work.  I took down a couple of things in the garage that I’ve always hated and wanted to get rid of.  I went to dinner with the family.  It was an okay day with some tears and some laughter . . . but there’s a big hole in the day . . . something is missing . . .

I have no idea to help myself with the pain.

Deja Freaking Vu all over again . . .

 

 

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His New Job

 

I swear that Prince Charming’s job in Heaven is either a songwriter or a muse to a song writer . . .

I can’t tell you how many times I heard him say a lot of thing things in this song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Blessed

I’m having a hard time right now dealing with stuff . . . the two year anniversary of Prince Charming’s death was harder to face than the one year anniversary. I’m struggling with the fact that he’s not here . . . I lived so many years without him that I already know how dull, boring, empty, bleak my new life can be.

I have a new job that I love, I am blessed that the bills are paid each month and I have a little left over each month for “extras,” the dogs are healthy, I’m healthy, I have a wonderful support system that helps me through the rough spots . . . I’m feeling a little guilty about being happy about things . . .

But something is missing and that something is Prince Charming . . . and I’m struggling with that fact . . .

It could also be the winter blahs have set in . . . I’m tired of cold dreary weather and I’m ready for spring . . .

And then I found this . . .

You can disappear in the overwhelming grief, be resentful of the path you must walk, or you can choose to see all that is good.

I don’t remember where I found it or when . . . I found it when I was working on my budget for next month . . . but it’s exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it . . .

I just hope I can remember it the path gets a little rough . . .

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A Reason

http://www.examiner.com/article/arika-stovall-hunter-hanks-post-crash-pic-goes-viral-for-all-the-right-reasons

The two year anniversary of Prince Charming’s death is just days away. It’s dreary here in Smalltown, Ohio, this week . . . a reflection of my heart and my mind these days.

I try not to go there . . . but my mind is back at the beginning again. Why? Why him? Why now? After being apart for over thirty years, we were back together and we were happy . . . happier than we ever dreamed of being. Things were looking up for him with his job . . . he was working on a promotion. After many years of estrangement from his children, he had finally patched things up with them and they were getting to know each other all over again. He was so happy to be a grandpa to two little boys . . . and excited for a third little boy to arrive in a few months. He was finally able to say he had a happy life. And then in the blink of an eye he was gone.

I’ve struggled with “why” from Day One. It’s like I’m a dog chasing my tail. I can’t find any answers and I can’t stop trying to find them . . .

And then I saw the article about the young couple in Tennessee and the horrible car accident they were in on January 3. I normally don’t read articles like that because they make me mad . . . why were they spared and Prince Charming wasn’t. He had just as much to live for as they did. Yea, we’re back to the “why” thing again.

And then I read this sentence . . . “God doesn’t throw protection around like that for no reason. He does it because he’s not finished with us.” And I had what Prince Charming called a “BFO” or Brilliant Flash of Obvious and a sense of calm finally settled on my heart. I had jokingly said several times that Prince Charming’s Dad had a big project in Heaven and needed Prince Charming’s help but I didn’t really believe it. It was just a way to cope with the loss. But there was something in that sentence that made it all clear to me. Prince Charming’s work on Earth was done and God had bigger projects for him. Just like the couple in the article didn’t suffer any serious injuries in the accident, Prince Charming didn’t suffer during his accident. God protected Prince Charming the same way he protected the young couple. Sure the outcome in Prince Charming’s case was different but I can’t deny that God had a hand in it.

I still have some rough days ahead of me as the second anniversary approaches and as I continue on this sad journey without my beloved Prince Charming but somehow things seem a little better.

 

 

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