Category Archives: grief

Enough

“I got enough, I got enough. It was enough time to know that I loved him. I loved him. And I know that he loved me.” ~Randall Pearson

 

I’m watching re-runs of “This Is Us” on Hulu . . . and I find it funny that I cry as hard the second/third time I watch an episode as I did the first time . . .

 

Randall said the above line after William died . . . and it broke my heart because I knew exactly what he meant . . .

 

Because it’s been in my heart for the last 4 years, 4 months and 1 day . . .

 

Not that I’m counting or anything . . .

 

 

 

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Unemployment Update

I’ve been home now for a little more than a month.  The last time I was off work this long was when I had my hysterectomy back in 2007.

The dogs don’t understand why I’m home all the time . . . but they are grateful for the extra attention . . . and extra cookies . . .

I’m getting a little bored . . . there are only so many applications you can fill in one day.

I need to work on my “Honey Do” list of projects around the house.

I need to get moving on the cross stitch project I’m working on as a wedding gift for my niece.  She’s getting married in a little more than a month and I’ve barely gotten started on it.  Ugh.

I have an ever growing pile of books that I could/should be reading . . .

I’ve discovered that unemployment brings out the same “oh you poor thing” response that I heard so many times right after Prince Charming died.  I have actually laughed at people who give me the “oh you poor thing” and “You are in my prayers” speech.  I’ve started responding with the “Oh, shit, this is nothing.  I’ve survived WAY worse than this.  I’m going to be just fine thankyouverymuch.” and I enjoy the wide eyed reaction . . . yea, I’m going to hell for that . . .

I’ve had more than a few “thank you but we’ve chosen someone else” responses to applications.  I’ve had a couple of interviews that seem promising. It’s not as bleak as I thought it was going to be.

I’m trying to figure out a response to “where do you see yourself in five years” question.  Hell, I’m still trying to figure out the widow thing and now you want me to have a five year career plan . . . my career plan is to find a stable job and make enough money to pay the bills for the next 12 years until I can retire . . . but I can’t say any of that to an interviewer . . . can I?

A friend told me today that I should accept this time off as a gift and enjoy it . . . I’m trying really hard to follow that advice . . .

But we all know I’m a worry wart and won’t . . .

 

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What Day Is It Again?

Being suddenly unemployed is stressful.  I’m worried about how I’m gonna pay the bills.  I’m worried about finding a new job.  I’m not exactly a spring chicken . . . which I was reminded of when I had the phone interview with the lady at unemployment office.  I have 35 years of administrative assistant experience.  I have 25 years of experience as an executive assistant.  I have 9 years of experience being a bookkeeper.  I’m worried about screwing up my unemployment claim and not getting any help . . . . and then when I realized how little money I would get with unemployment, I’m back to worrying about paying the bills.

Being suddenly unemployed is also somewhat relaxing.  I don’t have to punch a time clock, so I don’t have to go to bed early or get up early.  I can lounge around in my jammies and answer emails and research jobs.  I can have lunch in front of the TV and watch my soaps.

But one thing that I discovered quickly is that I have no concept of days anymore.  It’s only been a week and I have no idea what day of the week it is anymore.  I almost forgot that I needed to set out the trash last night.  If it hadn’t been for a lovely reminder text from Stepdaughter, I would have forgotten to pick up Grandson #2 from school and take him to t-ball practice today.

I’m embracing this new career development as a chance to see what else is out there and I’m overall excited about the future . . . when I’m not stressing over tiny details.  But I think I need to get into a routine of some sort . . . and I’m kinda hoping I can win the lottery and stay retired!!

 

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#singlegirllife

Over the past four years, I’ve learned to adapt to the #singlegirllife . . . but since I didn’t really have a choice or a say in the matter I jumped in with both feet and hoped for the best.

I discovered the joy of not having a routine for household chores.  If I want to change up the grocery day, it didn’t upset anyone . . . except when I ran out of dog treats for Rocky and Millie.  If I want to do laundry at 7 am on a Sunday (yea, it’s happened), then I can without fear of waking anyone up.

If I want to go to The Big City on a Saturday morning and visit the local needlework shop, I can do that . . . as long as I don’t stay gone too long and make it home in time to give supper to the puppies.

I discovered the joy of choosing whatever I wanted for supper.  If I wanted to eat Cap’n Crunch over the sink with a glass of chocolate milk for supper . . . that’s what I had.  If I wanted to grab tacos from Taco Bell on the way home from work because it’s cheaper than cooking them myself . . . I headed to the drive-thru.  If I wanted to eat spaghetti four days in a row . . . I ate spaghetti four days in a row.

I learned that I can do the yard work myself . . . even though I don’t really enjoy it.

I learned that I can handle making decisions about home improvement or home repairs relatively intelligently . . . even though the entire process brings out massive amounts of anxiety and triggers a horrible panic attack.

I bought a car.  I bought a washer.  I bought a computer.  I bought furniture.  All things I’ve never done before and had no idea the amount of detail and research involved in such purchases.

I’ve learned that I can stand on my own two feet.  I haven’t lost the house.  The utilities haven’t been turned off.  I haven’t killed the dogs.  I’m not broke.  All things XH predicted would happen within six months after the divorce . . . and it’s been 7 years . . .

But there is one thing that I am struggling with.  Something so small and insignificant that it makes me laugh that I’m having a problem with it.  The #singlegirllife means that you are the one that takes care of you when you’re sick.  I have the flu.  I very mild case with some general muscle and joint aches, some severe tiredness, and a stupid headache that won’t go away.  I’m feel like poop . . . and I’m cranky . . . and I want someone to bring me soup, bring me tea, snuggle on the couch with me while I nap . . . and there isn’t anyone here to do that.  Sure, Rocky and Millie do their best but without opposable thumbs, they pretty much suck in the food prep department . . .

Yea, there are some other really bad drawbacks to this #singlegirllife . . . but today this is the one that’s really pissing me off . . .

And, yes, I’ve said more than once to no one in particular but directed at Prince Charming . . . I really hate your ass right now . . .

 

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So Much For Flying Under The Radar

January 20 is a sucky day for me . . . it’s the anniversary of the day that Prince Charming left this Earth.  I probably shouldn’t focus/obsess over the date but I can’t help it.  It’s the day my life changed forever . . . through no fault of my own and not necessarily in a good way . . .

Last year about Christmas time I realized that January 20 was also Inauguration Day.  The day we got a new president.  A day full of all the pomp and circumstance and ceremony . . . stuff that I normally love.  Yes, I’m a patriotic geek.  I live for this kind of stuff . . . and suddenly I realized that one of my favorite events was going to be happening on my most un-favorite day.

Shitdamnhellfuck . . .

So I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it.  I was able, somehow, to separate the two events and keep them separate . . . as long as I forgot that the date was January 20 . . . it wasn’t easy but I did it.

I got through that day . . . like I’ve gotten through a bunch of other terrible, awful, horrible, very bad days (bonus points if you get the reference in that sentence).  By putting one foot in front of the other.

I was home today because the school I work for is closed for the Martin Luther King holiday (another day that kinda sucks for me because the day Prince Charming left was also Martin Luther King Day) . . . and I heard something that took my breath away . . . something I was totally not expecting or prepared for . . .

“January 20 is the one year anniversary of President Donald Trump’s inauguration.”  Said by one of the hosts of CBS This Morning . . .

Shitdamnhellfuck . . .

Just when I thought that I was going to be able to have that day fly under the radar . . . I got Gibbs slapped (bonus points if you get THAT reference) up side my head . . .

The next few days are gonna suck . . .

On a positive note . . . I’ve also learned that Saturday, January 20 the Cincinnati Zoo is having a first birthday party for media darling Fiona . . . for my favorite hippo . . .

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November 26

I had some work done to The Little House over the last month or so.  Nothing terribly serious . . . just a repair to a drain pipe and replacing the basement shower.

Just enough to trigger my homeowner anxiety . . . am I doing the right thing?  Oh shit, how expensive is this going to be?  Is this ever going to get finished?  Will it be what I wanted?

Everything turned out fine . . . project wasn’t horribly over budget but a rainy streak did put a bit of a damper on getting the outside stuff done quickly.  Shower is done and working fine . . . except I needed a light for the shower.

Did some research.  Did some shopping.  Found a workable alternative to installing a light in the shower.  I bought a “project light” to put on the floor outside of the shower to shine light into the shower.  Works just fine.  Light was on sale at the Big Box Hardware Store.  Pretty pleased with the solution if I do say so myself.

Brought the light home and took it out of the box.  There’s a space on the instruction/warranty booklet for the purchase date and the serial number.  And it suggested stapling the receipt to the booklet for easy reference.  I did not hesitate to do those items.  Because it’s what my Dad did every time he bought an appliance, a tool, or just about anything.  There’s a drawer in my parent’s house with all sorts of booklets – some of them for things they no longer own.  Dad’s advice was “You never know when you might need that” and so I also have a “information” drawer with all sorts of instruction/warranty booklets . . .

Yes, I heard Dad’s voice tell me “you better fill that out, Pamela” . . . when I saw the booklet in the bottom of the box . . . and I couldn’t rest until I had it safely in the drawer.

Yes, Dad . . . I did listen . . .

 

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November 6

Today is Monday . . . I hate Mondays . . .

Especially the Monday after the Fall Time Change . . . the kids at school seem to have more energy and are a little more irritating . . .

It gets dark early . . . the security lights on the garage came on tonight at 5:30 . . . it’s dark enough for security lights at 5:30 pm . . . makes for a very long night . . .

I went to dinner like I always do on Monday night.  Tonight’s dinner choice was a restaurant that is offering me free bagels every day this month.  I feel guilty if I go in just for the free bagel so I bought dinner there tonight.  The soup and salad combo I usually get is very yummy . . . and since it’s on the chilly side here the warm soup was comforting.

All in all, it was an irritating Monday but not a Bad Monday . . .

Then the server behind the counter called the name for the next customer to pick up their order.  The name they called out was the same name as Prince Charming’s name.  My heart skipped a beat and I did a double take to see who would answer to that name.  The guy didn’t look anything like Prince Charming . . . but I did give him a warm smile because he caught me staring at him.

Big Sigh . . . back to my yummy soup and sandwich . . .

I must be making progress because instead of focusing on unexpectedly hearing Prince Charming’s name tugging on my heart strings, I’m excited about the 99 cent cookie and the free bagel

Any Monday with a free bagel can’t be all bad . . .

 

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