I Thought I Could Do This

Right after Prince Charming was killed, I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers, and wish the world would go away.  But . . . I had to work to keep a roof over my head, keep the dogs fed, keep the dogs healthy, keep paying the bills and keep up appearances that I was “okay” . . . even if I wasn’t.

The one year anniversary came around and, once again, I wanted to stay in bed, under the covers and wish the world would go away.  But I took a day off instead and did stuff that wouldn’t remind me of him or have me constantly remember the date (I wrote the the date a lot at my old job at the mental health place).  I had to keep up appearances that I was “okay” . . . even if I wasn’t.

The two year anniversary came around and, even though I wanted badly to wish the world away again, I had started a new job just shy of two weeks before the anniversary.  I couldn’t tell my new boss that I needed a day off to stay home with my head under the covers wishing the world away.  My co-worker was facing the loss of her father that particular week and I was “holding down the fort” and keeping up appearances that I was “okay” . . . and thinking that maybe I just might be okay.

Sometime after the two year anniversary I realized that the three year anniversary would be a bigger challenge . . . because the country would be celebrating a new president.  The anniversary date of Prince Charming’s death happens to be Inauguration Day.  Every four years the country will be having a big party on a day that broke my heart.

Over the past few weeks, here are some of the things I’ve heard . . .
On January 20, we will hit the ground running and . . .
When President Obama leaves office on January 20 . . .
Mrs. Trump will not be moving into the White House on January 20 . . .
When Mr. Trump takes office on January 20 . . .
Join us for coverage of the Inauguration on January 20 . . .
When the sentence running through my brain is . . .
Prince Charming, 51, of Springfield, Ohio, left us unexpectedly, Monday, January 20, 2014.
Yup.  You guessed it.  I want to stay in bed, under the covers, and wish the world would go away.  But I can’t.  I have to do my best to show that I’m “okay” . . .
Even when I’m not . . . and I’d really rather not play that game this year . . .


Filed under coping, PostADay, Prince Charming, Stuff

2 responses to “I Thought I Could Do This

  1. Pam, I just love how you call him “Prince Charming” and I know how hard anniversaries can be and always will be. But I know your PC would be so proud of you for not covering your head all those hundreds of times you wanted to. We in your blog and Facebook world are proud of you too – in fact I have found you amazing. Also, remember not all of us will be celebrating this inauguration; but guess we always do honor it as a way of our government but not always pleased with the person. I keep quiet about my feelings on this but am PRAYING he proves me wrong. ALSO regarding your Big Girl Panties blog, I so agree with you – putting those awful pics of cars, etc. all over the paper and television is just so wrong. Part of me kinda wishes you would have said all those things to the woman who made the remark!!! LASTLY, I will be praying for you on THAT day and so will a lot more people. Hang in there girl, you have made it this far, and believe me it’s been a long, long way. P.S. Give Millie and Rocky big kisses from me.

    • bigdogmompam

      Rocky and Millie send big kisses back to you!!

      Thank you for your kind words and support. You have been one of my biggest champions during this journey and I can’t ever thank you enough.

      As for the woman that made the remark . . . she is what I call a DGI (don’t get it) and she will never understand until she goes through this herself. And we both know I pray daily that she never joins this club.

      After I posted this, I realized that while I face this once every four years, my dear Mother faces this every year . . . my Dad died on September 11. Not as part of the terrorist attacks, but 14 years later. Again, a day the whole country recognizes as an important date. And the one year anniversary of Dad’s death happened to be the 15th anniversary of the attacks. So, once again, no matter how bad I think I have it . . . someone is suffering way more than I am.

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