They Mean Well

I’ve debated a while about whether or not to write this post. But I have to get it out of my system . . . so here goes.

I understand that nobody has any idea what to say to me these days. I understand that my story is heartbreaking and tragic and there aren’t many people who understand what I’m going through . . . I tell everyone that my life these days resembles a very bad Lifetime Made For TV movie . . . and most everyone understands that analogy.

I know they mean well . . . but sometimes people try to be kind and their kindness only makes my pain worse . . .

For example . . .

The first day back to work after Prince Charming’s funeral, one of my co-workers said to me “You’re young and beautiful. You’ll find someone new.” I was dumbfounded and just stared at her as she got onto the elevator. It wasn’t until another co-worker stopped me in the hall and asked me what was wrong that I could even begin to process what I had just heard. To this day I have absolutely no response to that comment. It just struck me as the most hurtful and thoughtless thing I’d ever heard.

Little did I know that I’d hear more . . .

After I had been back to work for about a week, I had “one of those days” when I couldn’t get out of bed and I didn’t want to face everyone at work. I called in sick. When I went back to work the next day, a different co-worker asked me “are you okay?” with a very concerned look on her face. I looked at her and said “No, I’m not okay. I’m never going to be okay. There is never going to be a time in my life when anything is ever ‘okay’ ever again.” She looked at me like I had two heads. I went on to explain that two troopers ripped my heart out of my chest and handed it to me and you expect me to be “okay” with that? I had to leave the room before I became totally “uncivilized”.

A couple of weeks later, this same co-worker, when she overheard a conversation I had with a friend about Prince Charming’s estate, told me that I could “get paid for the work I’ll have to do” setting the estate. I looked at her and told her it’s not about the money, it’s about honoring him and making sure that his last wishes are fulfilled and any money I took from the estate would be less that would go to his children. She told me that I needed to really needed to reconsider that and talk to the probate lawyer before I made a decision. I just stared at her and walked away.

My dear brother was trying to be kind and said the infamous “he’s in a better place” line to me. My dear brother was very close to Prince Charming and is having a hard time dealing with Prince Charming’s death. Because he’s my dear brother and he’s hurting like me, I was kind when I told him that I could buy the “he’s in a better place” line if Prince Charming had been sick with cancer, or had a heart attack, or if he had survived the accident but had suffered with horrible injuries . . . but the “here one minute, gone the next” thing did not fall in that category. I asked my dear brother “What is wrong with here? Why couldn’t he stay here? When he was here we were happy and we had everything . . . and now he’s gone and I’m miserable and everybody is sad and life is not happy!”

And the final insensitive thing that has been repeated almost ad nauseum for the last couple of weeks “he’s here with you in spirit” . . . Prince Charming’s youngest grandson was born on March 20 . . . this is Charming Son’s son . . . and when I tell everyone how sad I am that Prince Charming’s Namesake Grandson won’t get to meet Prince Charming, I instantly hear “he’s here with you in spirit.” Again, I’m calling nonsense on that. Prince Charming should be here in person with Charming Son to meet Namesake Grandson. Namesake Grandson should have the privilege of meeting the man he’s named after and see for himself the uncanny resemblance between them.

I know I should be kind and polite to these people because the have no idea what they are saying or how badly they are hurting me . . . but why should I allow them to add to the hurt that I live with every day because they are trying to be kind?

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Filed under grief, PostADay, Prince Charming, Stuff

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