Monthly Archives: February 2014

Heart Wrenching Memory

The word for today is . . . . heart wrenching . . .

It’s the unexpected things that rip my heart out these days.

There’s a long story behind this so please be patient with me . . .

I’m listening to a re-broadcast of American Top 40 from February 21, 1981 when “Same Old Lang Syne” came on the radio and reduced me to a puddle of tears. For years after Ron and I broke up the first time, he said he would hear this song and think of running into me somewhere and having this kind of conversation with me. He was sad that the song (and our relationship) seemed to have the two people going their separate ways. He said the song always made him cry and it was difficult for him to listen to it. Fast forward about 33 years to our first Christmas together . . . and the first time he heard this song . . . he said he was finally at peace with the song because our story didn’t end like the story in the song . . . for the first time in years he could listen to the song and cry because he was happy with the way his life and our relationship turned out. When the song came on when we were at home, he would hug me tightly and tell me he was thankful that we were “us” again.

Fast forward to today and hearing this song on the radio. It was totally unexpected because who expects to hear a “Christmas” song on the radio in February – but if the song was released at Christmas time in 1980, then it could still be on the charts in February . . . I heard the first few notes and knew exactly what it was . . . and couldn’t bear to turn it off . . . I thought I had some time before I would have to deal with that particular memory . . .

Excuse me while I go blow my nose . . .

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Searching

I bought Prince Charming a copy of “White Christmas” (his favorite Christmas movie) and “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (his favorite holiday TV special) for Christmas this year. I realized yesterday I had no idea where they were. So I’ve been looking all over the house for them.

About an hour ago, I got frustrated and said to him, “baby, where did you put them?” and then I got the urge to look in the DVD cabinet. The one place I hadn’t looked because that’s the logical place I would have put them and, well, Prince Charming’s logic and my logic weren’t always the same.

And there they were. Right where they belonged.

And then I said to him, “when did you start putting things where they belong?”

I’m almost afraid of what his answer is going to be.

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Three Weeks

Today is three weeks that Prince Charming has been gone.

I have good days.

I have bad days.

At this point it’s a wash – it all evens out.

I have discovered I have a wonderful support team of family and friends.

But I’ve also discovered that I’m being too hard on myself. Everyone wants me to be “ok” so I am or I try to be what they expect.

I’m afraid if I let it all out that I won’t be able to make it stop.

So I am putting one foot in front of the other. And sometimes I stumble. And I worry about am I doing it right. And. And. And.

Then the doggies come and give me kisses.

The new normal takes some getting used to.

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Unexpected Kindness

I’ve been back to work for a week now.  I have all kinds of people checking up on me.  I have told my story about a zillion times.  I’ve cried way more than I want to . . . it’s exhausting . . . and I’m tired all the time

I’m always surprised at the completely unexpected kindness that is shown to me.  One of those completely unexpected kindnesses happened today.  I had an appointment for a haircut after work.  I’ve been going to the same lady every 6 weeks for the last 5 years or so.  She cut Prince Charming’s hair, too.  Right after the accident, I called her to tell her what happened because I didn’t want her to hear it and because I thought we would have an open casket and he would need to get a haircut before the service.  I wanted her to give him his last haircut.  What can I say, he mentioned that morning before he went to work that he needed to schedule a haircut.  Yea, my brain worked in strange ways. 

This wonderful woman treated me like nothing had happened.  I could tell she wanted to say something about how sorry she was for my loss, and how it sucked that he was taken so suddenly, and to ask all the questions that everyone has asked.  She chatted away about the new baby pigs that had been born last week and the new baby pigs that were expected sometime this weekend.  She told me about canning tomatoes and canning spaghetti sauce and how she was trying recipes for making homemade noodles.  It was wonderful beyond belief to not have to go through everything all over again. 

Then at the end of the appointment she gave me a jar of homemade apple butter.  She said she wanted to give me something sweet when life isn’t so sweet right now for me.  I thanked her and hugged her and told her how wonderful she was and how much I appreciated what she had done for me.  She gave me an hour of peace . . . and that’s a priceless gift. 

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this post probably makes absolutely no sense at all

Everyone asks how I’m doing . . . and my response is “I’m upright and functioning” or “I’m putting one foot in front of the other.”    My favorite is “I’m not brave enough to wear mascara yet.”

And I’m trying to remember to “breathe in through the nose and breathe out through the mouth”

I always used to think it was hilarious when someone said they had “forgotten” to eat that day.  I love food and I always wondered how do you “forget” to eat . . . yea, I understand that concept now.  It’s funny/comforting how many people ask me in a day if I’ve eaten anything today.  Guess that sudden 5 lb weight loss is just a tad noticeable!

I have an ever growing list of things to be done for the estate – get the death certificate, get the crash report, open probate, start the wrongful death claim, close the bank accounts, deal with the Bureau of Workers Comp.  I am very thankful that I have two wonderfully competent lawyers helping me deal with the very complicated convoluted mess my life has become. 

There are so many people who are worried about me – friends, family, my co-workers, Prince Charming’s co-workers.  I have at least one therapy session a day from one of the therapists or one of the doctors that I work with.  Heck, even the drug reps are stopping by just to check on me. 

I’m going out and about and doing things – I went shopping with my sisters on Saturday and I had my first solo date night last night.  Somethings are very easy to get through and other things are horrendously hard. 

I shake my head is disbelief at some of the seemingly innocent but horribly hurtful things that people say when they don’t know what to say.  “You’re still young.  You’ll fall in love again.”  Really?!  You’re gonna go there?  Prince Charming has been gone two weeks and this is what you think will comfort me?!  Or “he’s in a better place” . . . now I’m gonna call bullshit on that one because Prince Charming and I thought that we had Heaven here on Earth.  What is wrong with here?  When he was here, we were together and it was wonderful.  Now he’s gone and it’s not wonderful anymore. 

I cry at the completely unexpected kindnesses that have been shown to me – a friend of mine paid the fee for boarding the dogs when I went to stay with my Mom and Dad.  Another friend felt sorry for me getting packages from the ambulance chasing blood sucking lawyers and sent me a “Southern Comfort” care package – no alcohol involved! – a lovely lap quilt for me to snuggle up in on the couch, a few Keurig “pods” of my favorite Southern Sweet Tea, a cross stitch kit for me to work on, and a cow figurine because I like cows . . . The random card from someone I went to high school with but haven’t seen in years . . .

The dogs are fine . . . or at least I think they are.  They won’t hardly leave my side when I’m home.  Rocky sits at the top of the stairs every night waiting for Prince Charming to come home.  In the morning when we get up, the go to his side of the bed to see if he snuck in during the night or run downstairs to see if he’s in “his” chair at the kitchen table. 

Overall, I’m adjusting to my new reality and I’m thankful for so many things begging for my attention . . . otherwise I’d be a lump on the couch watching reality tv all night.

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