Hold Me Now

This has been a rough week for me.  All my friends who have lived through a divorce have told me that the first year after a divorce is a lot like the first year after a death in the family.  Full of milestones and special days that you will have to navigate like a minefield.  One of those special days was this week.  ExHubby’s birthday was Tuesday.  For the first time in 28 years, that day went by without a birthday cake, a birthday dinner, without me shopping for just the right present.

It was weird to say the least.

I saw ExHubby on Monday and gave him a card and a single cupcake.  He had said that he didn’t want a fuss – that he wanted the birthday to go by unnoticed – but it seemed odd not to acknowledge a day that I’ve spent years celebrating with him. 

So all week I’ve been a little meloncholy about it.  The divorce.  His birthday.  How life changed in the blink of an eye . . . with him uttering one simple sentence just one too many times.  Yes, I know it was my decision to end the marriage but it doesn’t make it any less painful.  All the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” that goes along with living every day with the changes caused by the divorce sometimes is a heavy burden. 

Most of the time, I do okay with all of that.  The marriage had ended long before I asked for the divorce.  My asking for the divorce was the kindest thing I could have done for both of us.  At least we don’t hate each other.   Well, I don’t hate him . . . I can’t necessarily say that he doesn’t hate me.  Lately he’s been civil with me . . . and I wonder where was this side of his personality the last few years of our marriage? 

So all of that caught up with me today.  With one song from 1984 playing on the radio.  The wall I had built to protect myself from all the angst came crumbling down.  With one song.  I fell apart.  It was the first time I really fell apart over the divorce.  My bestest friend told me that it was all part of the process.  It was finally time for me to deal with all the emotions that I’ve shoved in the background. 

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right?

1 Comment

Filed under PostADay, Uncategorized

One response to “Hold Me Now

  1. Dori

    Pam, I’m so sorry you are going thru a tough time right now. Those milestones will be difficult – have not gone thru a divorce, but a death of my spouse when I was only 29. The first year was so so hard – and there’s still a hole in my heart – even though I’ve remarried and life does go on. Here’s hoping your next post you’ll be feeling a little more up – spring is coming and you and the pups will be out more and that always makes the world seem brighter.

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