Not Proud of Myself

I know my last entry made me sound like an selfish evil stepmonster.  Believe me, I feel like a selfish evil stepmonster.  What kind of woman isn’t thrilled to find out that her stepdaughter is bringing the grandkids home for a semi-surprise visit?!  As hard as I’ve tried, I just can’t build a good relationship with Princess.  I’m not saying that I’m totally blameless in this situation, because I’m not.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years in how to deal with Princess.  But all the years of dealing with The Drama that swirls around Princess has taken it’s toll on me and I just don’t want to play anymore. 
I’ve forgiven her for (and have tried to forget) the things that were said and done when she was a young girl.  She was just 8 years old when Hubby and The Ex got divorced and then I came in to her life.  I know that it was hard for her to deal with everything.  I was young and I didn’t know what I was doing.  She was just a little kid and couldn’t help how she was feeling.  But it is scary to think how close I came to leaving Hubby because of some of the things that Princess pulled back then.  It’s water under the bridge and not important anymore.  I have apologized to her many times for any hurt that I caused back then.  But inevitably, these hurts are brought back up to me everytime we have a fight. 
I’ve forgiven her for the blow-up she had with Hubby (and me) that kept him away from her high school graduation, her wedding to her High School Sweetheart, and the birth of Big Man (grandson #2).  Honestly, I don’t even remember what that one was about anymore.  I just remember that it hurt Hubby to the core to miss that stretch of her life.  If Hubby was willing to forgive and forget, then I could too.   
The last five or six years have been the roughest of our relationship with Princess.  It’s been one battle after another.  She takes, and takes, and takes but gives back very little.  She’s like a spoiled little kid that throws a temper tantrum if you tell her no or if you don’t agree with her opinion.  There have been a couple of very bad blow-ups where she’s dropped out of our lives for a year or so.  Then she comes back like nothing ever happened and we are silly enough to let her back in.  This last blow-up was very bad.  It hurt Hubby deeply.  It hurt me, too, but only because it hurt Hubby so badly.  I’ve been hurt so many times by Princess that I’m numb.  She’s never liked me anyway so I’m not surprised when she hurts me.  But to Hubby, she’s Daddy’s Little Girl and I can’t for the life of me figure out why she would hurt him like that.  I’d rather cut off both my arms than to hurt my Dad, but she does it on a regular basis without even blinking an eye. 
So, let’s just say that I’m cautious now when it comes to Princess.  I keep her at arms length.  After all these years, I finally realize that this is just the way it is.  When we had the last blow-up she said she wanted us to stay out of her life.  Okay, fine, I can accept that.  I’ve played this game enough to know what’s going to happen next.  She’s back in our lives now, but it won’t last long.  It might be a few months from now, or a year from now, but it will happen.  She’ll get her feelings hurt or she won’t get her way, we’ll be the worst scum of the universe, and she’ll go away again.  I’d give anything to be wrong.  I pray that I’m wrong. But my gut is telling me that I’m not.  And that makes me very sad.  Sad mainly for Hubby because she is so important to him.  
By the way, Princess didn’t come home this weekend.  When she cashed her check, she realized she didn’t have enough money to get here and back home.  I’m proud to say that Hubby told her that if she didn’t have the money, she should just stay home.  He wasn’t going to pay for her trip home.  She’s going to save her money and come home for Thanksgiving.  Supposedly. 


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5 responses to “Not Proud of Myself

  1. Gina

    Hi. I read your post the other day – but didn\’t have time to log in and comment. I don\’t think you sounded like an evil stepmother at all…. I think you sounded perfectly reasonable. It\’s hard to sit back and see our spouses be taken advantage of by ANYone, but especially one of their own children – and a grown one at that. Sounds like she has made a lifetime habit out of taking advantage of his love in whatever way works to her benefit. I think, being a Dad – he probably just wants so badly to be a part of her life that he puts blinders on where it comes to her.
    As his wife, you have to be protective of him and a little wary of her. Makes perfect sense to me – you are the one there when he is left hurt. It\’s not a pleasant situation but…. sounds like you have her figured out. Don\’t be too hard on yourself. You\’ve got his best interests at heart.
    And…. glad you got a little quiet time after all! :o)

  2. Susan

    If there is anything I don\’t understand, Pam, is people at work seems to allow their adult children to rule them.  They either live at home and demand, demand, demand, or just as bad, they live \’on their own\’, but run to mommy and daddy for money, groceries, cigarettes, whatever when they don\’t hold their own job.  Have I ever asked my Daddy for anything?  Yes.  Have I ever disappointed him?  Yes.  Does he support me?  No.  Does he give me money?  No.  Do I want anything from him?  YES, his friendship and knowing that I have a wonderful Dad.  Like you, I\’d rather cut off both my arms with a steak knife than to hurt my Daddy\’s feelings.  I sure ain\’t gonna take him for granted and use him.  I love him. 
    Don\’t worry about being the evil stepmother.  You\’ve done nothing wrong.  Princess is an adult.  If she can\’t grow up, that is her problem.  And inadvertantly, that is your problem.  But it\’s still her who has to grow up.

  3. Jo

    Your hubby did a good job by telling her to wait till she had the money. Time will heal she knows by now your not going anywhere. I don\’t mind helping my kids out a little, but they have never taken advantage. If princess get upset and won\’t let you see her or the little ones It is her loss.

  4. Beth

    I can understand how you feel.  When Jim and I were first married his mother sent me clipping after clipping from the newspaper telling me how great his old girl friend was doing.  This went on for for several years and it hurt me deeply.
    I am glad your husband didn\’t offer to send her money.
    Hugs to Luci and Blacky!

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